Seeing a truly beautiful man is much more exciting than seeing a beautiful woman

On the Sexual Economy

Brad Troemel recently posted a clip of a normie podcaster describing how men are like salesmen in the sexual economy whose task is to pitch themselves to women. When a man is in a relationship, he said, it would be considered disrespectful for him to keep "pitching himself" by trying to flirt with other women.

He said that women, on the other hand, use "passive advertizing" by being attractive, and it is men's responsibility to approach them. The podcast guy argued that it was equally disrespectful for women to continue to "advertise" themselves by going out to clubs or posting thirst traps when they are in relationships. He went further by saying that because many women still do these types of activities while in relationships, it is often easier for them to get over a break-up and find someone new––they have been "on the marketplace" (ew) this whole time.

Obviously this is overly prescriptive, objectifying, and misogynistic (clubs are fun sometimes, everyone should go), but there is something true here. For better or for worse, we have not yet transcended gender norms, especially in romance, and it still generally remains men's responsibility to "make the first move."^[1]

Women have little say in which men approach them. Thus, it's better to try to attract the greatest number of suitors by looking universally beautiful.^[2] The internet exaggerates this dynamic, and women have gotten very good at looking generically beautiful. Going to a bar or a café full of young people, or going on Instagram or Tinder, it can be overwhelming how many beautiful women there are.

Men, meanwhile, have to work on their game and figure out how to distinguish themselves from the crowd, attempting to court the most beautiful women. Unsurprisingly, the majority of messages men send on dating apps are addressed to the most attractive women. Women, on the other hand, take tally of their suitors, and respond to the best pitches, with less regard for physical beauty. For men, game beats beauty.

This arrangement is demonstrably sufficient, and it is hard to imagine it changing dramatically in the near future. Although women have more latitude to take romantic initiative than in the past, this remains the exception, not the rule.

This is not a critique of the system, but I want to spend some time thinking about its negative consequences and how to mitigate them.

Living a Beautiful Life (LABL)

I believe everyone should strive to be beautiful. Beauty, of course, goes deeper than physical beauty, but let us not neglect or denigrate the flesh, that which makes us human. Your personal fashion, your physique, your hairstyle, your speech, your adornment, your scent, your gait or the manner in which you hold yourself––these are all subject to thoughtful and keen shaping if you seek to lead a beautiful life.^[3]

Beyond physical beauty, there is room for beauty in how one acts. One is made beautiful by being a good person. Thought dictates action, and so one must think beautifully as well. The good life is the beautiful life, and the best life is the most beautiful life.

Beauty is both personal and universal. When you show your friend a beautiful song, you're offended if he doesn't like it. I won't waste time talking about objectivity, what's important is that it feels objective.

But in striving for beauty, one must have a personal vision. The most beautiful world is not one where everyone is the same, but one in which each person can be the best version of themselves. As Nietzsche says, "Whether the taste was good or bad is of less importance than one thinks, - it is sufficient that it was a single taste!"

The Beauty of Men and Women

With the exception of exercise, the means of developing physical beauty are more accessible to women than they are to men, and women generally take greater advantage of them. Diet, sports that train for grace (such as ballet or ice skating), nice clothes and haircuts and jewelry and perfume (which are not just trendy, but compliment one's strengths and sublimate one's weaknesses), nice handwriting––all are for women, not for men.

The universal standards of beauty for women are obvious. The difficulty is in taking a personal approach to these standards. A unique hat or a certain characteristic turn of phrase or Marilyn Monroe's mole. Women are better suited than men to develop and put to use their own personal vision of physical beauty. However, because the sexual economy demands of women generic beauty, few actually succeed in refining their personal beauty.

Men show their beauty through their actions. Again, there are obvious universal rules––hold the door, be a good listener, tip well. (These are obvious to both men and women––most people are good.) But the most devastating way to describe someone is by saying he is a "nice guy." You must distinguish yourself in the world, you must seek to manifest your character in your actions, you have to be someone! Men are taught to nurture and develop their individual predilections. Autism is a male trait. However, just as women go wrong by paying too much attention to the universal, men go wrong by paying too much attention to the personal––this creates incels.^[4]

Thus, few men and women are successful at being both physically and internally beautiful, both universally and personally. Many women are universally physically beautiful, and men have greater ability to develop personal internal beauty (whether most men do so is hard to say, as it's not superficially obvious). To achieve all four forms of beauty is rare.

If women are encouraged to learn how to speak, men must learn what to say, but a poor thought expressed beautifully is worth just as little as a beautiful thought expressed poorly.

Men and Women in Relationships

Through all of this, many men and women find themselves in relationships, and these dynamics change.

In relationships, women develop more leeway to grow and enact their personal ideals. No longer pressured to amass a large number of suitors, they can develop their personal beauty. This may be physical––wearing an outfit they would otherwise be too self-conscious to wear––or internal––leaning into their passions, which they often share with their partners. Often, women outgrow their boyfriends or husbands (foreshadowing).

Relationships are good for men because they are forced to reconcile themselves with another person. The habits they have developed are challenged and their view of the world expands. They begin to see more of the universal. Have you ever met an old man who has never been married? He is often impressively unique, but he has no ability to make his individuality legible to others or recognize others' individuality. Women are conditioned to understand others––in relationships, they teach this skill to men.

The Uneven Battlefield of Emotional Warfare

Paul Skallas likes to talk about how men are more devastated by breakups than women. Women dumping men is Lindy.

By cultivating universal beauty, a woman finds validation from the world at large. She knows she is beautiful when many people tell her she is beautiful. So, when she goes through a break up, she can still return to that broader world and find support for the virtues she has been taught to foster. She has cast a wide romantic net, one that she cannot fully reel in even while in a relationship, and so she can return to it and find someone else who wants to date her.

A man casts a single line, and that line is his life. He has tried to build himself, hopefully, first and foremost, into the person that he wants to be, and he hopes that there is someone else out there who will want that person as well.^[5] He is not striving for a universal ideal, but for his own personal ideal. Where a woman knows she is beautiful because she can compare herself to a universal ideal, a man can only compare himself to his own personal ideal. A breakup can feel like the complete repudiation of that ideal.

For a man, game never stops. Rejection, therefore, is taken as a repudiation of himself. It is not simply that he has failed––he is a failure.

The Role of Romance (Keep Trying)

It difficult for me to imagine a lonely life being beautiful. Perhaps it works for anchorites or samurai or melancholic country singers, but today, who aspires to be old and alone? "We are more connected than ever," they tell us. So let us build the most meaningful connections we can.

Both women and men are shackled to the dialectic between the self and others. This manifests both internally, and externally. Stable, loving relationships can mend the antagonism between who we want to be and who we think the world wants us to be. They can provide us with new material for life and avenues otherwise unavailable to us (family). They are essential to living full and beautiful lives.

So get out there and fall in love!

///^[6]